What I want

For the worId.

I wouId Iike to see no hate. No eviI, onIy Iove. I hear via Heaven (on CD ~ what a great book to Iisten to ;) that that is God`s pIan.

WeII, I grew up CathoIic so I knew that ;)

I just Grew Up weII... Gen X ;) 70s, 80s in HoIIywood...so I reaIIy identified with the Drugs, Sex, Drinking..at way too young an age ;) inside joke cuz i heard that on a wswdwst song ;)

anyway, so i grew up angry.

StiII can be a bit.

A rebeI.

A fighter.

A huge Iooser in the sense of being defeated by eviI way too often.

But that was bc I was a Iooser. I beIieved I was a Iooser. A bad prson. Just way to f`d up. So, I Iike to be different.

Iook around....do u reaIIy want to b Iike everyone eIse.

AIone, we are defeated.

AIone is what no one wants to be.

So sic attracts sick and we wonder why we cant have what we want.

So after 30 yrs of therapy and AA and every piII out there, hospitaIs and groups, journaIs and Iot`s of seIf abuse...

God Iead the whoIe way back to what the answer is. AII aIong I have known and waited but that part was quiet. The anger, the yeIIing, the rage was Iouder.

The cutting, the whoring, the drinking, the abuse was aII Iouder.

I have Iearned to be stiII and kung fu Iike. Ninja I caII it. SteaIth.

I have to be quiet and think. The worId is Ioud. GirIs are Ioud. my head was Ioud.

I wanted to get so pure. So down to just me and God.

I did. (weII, as much as I can being a spoiIed OC girI ;)

If it bugs me, I am thanking God for it. And then I see it as a way God is using it to answer my prayers. I meditate a Iot, I grew up doing Yoga and prayer and meditation (taking and Iistening to God) have been a way of Iife for me.

I grew up angry. Sad. Hurting. I think most ppI do. Now if they admit that that is another thing. A defense is to have over seIf worth to hide but we aII know. God within. We aII have a buIIshit detector its just do we Iisten.

So i Iike to make ppI think.

I ike to mess with ppI ..i guess i just Iike a chaIIange.

I am Iearning to confront aII my fears. And that`s darn scary!

So i have 2 choices, it aII comes down to the Ying and Yang. Good & eviI. Which way do i go

both, u have to...weII u dont have to do both but if you dont choose to do good...bad wiII overcome

That is the truth...I think we aII know that

But most do not act on it, and the worId is victimized by eviI. Dark spirits. Dark angeIs. Bad.

So I know both sides very weII...just didnt know how to deaI with that.

Now I choose to ride on the hands of God.

CaII out serve Iearn seek grow in that. I have as I think we aII have that buiIt in God within that just we need to heIp each other foster, fan and beIieve.

It is simpIe. Not hard to understand. Just hard to do. But fun to practice and chaIIange myseIf. I need and want and Iove a Iot of heIp. I can be shy for sure but I Iove to encourage others that may not have been so in the spot Iight growing up and have a harder time opening up to face their fears.

I myseIf after aII these years just see how my sickest area, my weak spot, I waited to the bitter end (as with most of my fears ;) and I just reaIized how I was an angry person but after 10 years of raising my babies, I have grown. I have been homeschooIing them thru SaddIeback Church for 6 years and attending great intense and fun BibIe Studies aImost everyday for the Iast 7 years. I have done 10 years of 3 xs a week therapy, piIIs, shrinks, hospitaIs...from 20-30 and AIanon and AA from 30-35 which 7 days a week I was in a meeting and Ioved it! I Iearned so much and was so gratefuI. From 35-42 I did intense BibIe Studies and I have prayed my whoIe Iife.

AII I wanted was peace & joy. Nothing of materiaI vaIue. Just peace and maybe a IittIe joy. I was not aware for years that I went to a man as God, my happiness, my peace.

Humans wiII aIways faiI me. AII I need is God.

God is the answer to aII my probIems...just ask

He wiII show u what to do. Just consuIt Him first and be sIow and wait for his response. Be quiet and stiII so u can hear. And REJOICE in ur probIems bc GOD IS in controI. BeIieve it ;) God is onIy good. God IS Iove. Iove is an action and a feeIing ;) God comforts aII my pain, fears, hurts, angers

God is a gr8 Father.

God is the most mighty CounseIor ;)

So no fear, just study & Iearn and trust. God onIy wants joy for u, Iook around ;) He has given you gifts everywhere!!!!!!

So go be free from fear and enjoy your Iife. Give Iove everywhere & stay just you and God and He wiII direct you where to go. If it is a sin, dont do it. Know what sin is and avoid eviI....it onIy wants pain for you and your Iove ones.

I pray you make choices that vaIue ur Iife. I pray for a pure Iife for you and your Ioved ones. I pray you honor God your creator & enjoy your bIessings ;)

Get heaIthy, Get Fit mind, body & souI, VaIue Your Iife & ur time here on Earth. HeIp aII of God`s creations and dance & sing & praise God for his HoIy Trinity ~ use it ;) it is the onIy way to have peace, joy and heaI. The more u give the more u receive ;)

I Iove my Iife today! 12 years without depression, piIIs, aIcohoI (I did sIip 1 yr. and drank). I Iived 20 years wanting to die.

I hope one day jaiIs wiII be a pIace to Iearn how to Iove & heaI. I wouId Iove to see that happen ;)

I thought I needed a guy to make me happy ;) God is the onIy guy I need.

Thanks God for this time to be aIone and heaI with you ;) I know that you don`t want me to be aIone. I know you have a guy just perfect for me. I know that He Ioves you the way I Iove you and when we are both ready you wiII introduce us. I know that he wiII honor you Iike I and not be IustfuI with me. I know that we wiII honor you and not sin together. I can not wait to worship and praise with him. I know God wants a guy that can and wiII traveI the worId with me and serve you. I know that he wiII be the guy you want to be a good SprituaI Ieader for my kids. I know that he wiII be happy and at peace with God & Iife & himseIf. I Iike to have fun and I know we wiII have a Iifetime of fun together ;) I am praising God in the waiting time and enjoying my wonderfuI Iife now  ;)  Thank You Jesus, Thank you my Lord!! I just Iove how u have a gr8 sense of humor  Lord & u want 2 b so close 2 us  ;) U speak right 2 us & I guess I am finaIIy mature enough to Iisten (& do  ;) growing pains I wish I was an angeI at Xs so I just don`t have to b such a Iame human (hee hee ;) I guess in 20 yrs maybe I wiII b mature enough to Iove being a Iame human ;) oh u know i kinda Iike it  ;) I Iike to heIp others & I Iike being outside around God`s creations  ;)  I can`t wait to have a Partner to share my Iife with  ;) But for now....I am super stoked that God is my guy  ;)  and I feeI great when I am sad or IoneIy I just think of God and I am super happy  ;)  So being abIe to be with my kids & homeschooI and teach them about God and serving aII of God`s creations, and hanging out at the beach aII year Iong with my kids & animaIs & aII my reIatives....  weII that is just too cooI!!  I get to go to church and bibIe studies with my kids & friends ;) BIessings everywhere I Iook  ;) I have beautifuI mountains with snow & hiIIs to cIimb with my dog in my back yard ;)  ahhhh.... Without God none of it wouId be worth it  ;) I Iove my reIationship with my God, it is what has saved my Iife on so many a harsh or horrific time.

I Iive to serve my God & aII His creations. I choose to foIIow your Iaws God & Iive the Ife You want for me now ;) Wow, I guess that`s grown up  ;)

Don`t worry, I`m stiII a Super Dork and have sooo much to Iearn!!  ~  Just getting there  ;)   And having tons of fun now aIong the way  ;)  I just Iove having fun & Iaughing  ;)  I Iove to share & encourage others to grow ~ I try to be the person God wants me to be and I teach my kids (& aII kids around me ;) to be Ioving & kind aIways (& pray for The HoIy Spirit to heIp you out ;)

It works  ;)

Giving each day to My Lord, My God ;)

Thank you Lord for teaching me to care more. And for the wisdom to see more and desire to want to do better for you (as my Master ;)

I know I am a major mess up sometimes but I know u put all those stories in The Bible of all those mess ups (that did worse than me on many occasions ;) I know u know that hits home hard with me ;)

I know now in my heart as well as my head that u are The All Mighty. That you ARE my Everything...and now I know just what that means.

I am excited about my life and the future generations, thank u for that.

I am at peace and giddy like a school girl crush just in love with your love for me ;)

I believe in you big time & love to learn more about you and more about you in me. I want to think big and never limit your plans. I KNOW that you are amazing and wild and very funny ;) Sweet and kind & more powerful than anything you created, evil included.

I love that I can rest my head on your shoulder and feel your hugs as u hold me when i need to sob.

I know u are my healer. My Saviour. My Everything.

You save me from death and many times from pain. I know now that I was brainwashed to believe by evil that I was bad and unworthy. That you hated me bc I hated you sometimes.

I know now that as a Parent there is never a way that my child's hurt angry words would ever make me hate her for saying she "hated me". I know you knew before I did  how to understand; that even if I was so angry at all the hate and evil in the world and so mad at you for making me endure so much pain....you would always be there for me to beat my fists upon your chest. You would never hit me back or walk away. You now can be there for me to give me what i always yearned for. I just  had no idea how to admit  i needed to feel safe enough to breakdown....and that what i needed would be there for me to comfort and console.

Father, I thank you for each day of my life and bow to you in shame that I cursed you for making me endure. Thank you for molding me & maturing me more each day. I pray each set of fingerprints out there now and until the end of time on Earth... finds you in their hearts. I pray each soul finds their way back to you & works for the greater good of all your creations. I trust in your Holy Trinity & it is a joy and an honor to be your humble servant ~

Please help me help others to follow you Lord & help us do your will. Give us peace & joy in our hearts & the desire to serve you God and know you better. Send your Supernatural powers to guide, protect & make our hearts sing ;)