My Heart hurts today

I want to find my copy of The Passion Of The Christ today. Amanda has never seen it and Evan and I loved it ;) But my son and I had a very deep bond when he was growing up. We had pain and then we had God. Both very deep and intensely it was a very special gift & blessing for me. An honor I never felt worthy of, no he is a young man and had to go off and find his own life. And I have mine. Alone. With my girls ;) Thank you Jesus ;) My kids are my favorite blessing. Each one has that special bond my mom use to talk to me about (all 4 of her kids ;)

That movie really makes my heart hurt & be filled with Ultimate Joy!!!!! I just waited my whole life for that movie! I loved (and needed desperately) Jesus, God, The Holy Spirit. And I prayed to be able to pass that faith on to my kids ~ it has been very valuable to me in unlimited ways.

I'm in love with the internet ;) Kinda a love hate relationship but I prayed for mass communication with family, friends and celebrities, I loved learning as a kid. Information is what I was always seeking. I could not get enough. The world & people just fascinated me! I was confused and intrigued heck I loved (& despised) life! I hated the mean. The rude. The uncompassionate. Wow is that not even a word? See?!! I saw creativity, light, wonder, joy & song!! I saw puppies & my family & love. Why so many mean people? Why so dark people? I soon learned of Satan. The Devil. Bad, Evil. Sin. I learned that I was bad. The worst. Heck I had seen sooo many horrific things as a kid, I was so numb at such a young age, I guess the joy & happiness parts were just as intense.

I felt tumbled. Beaten down and confused... I was beginning to get Lost. I went to church but it was in Latin. I did not know Latin. And I couldn't even read his lips because he was backwards. The Bible was to be worship, not read. Only the priest read it to us together like a cult. It was weird. I now know how Satan uses religion against people. How he uses God against his own people more than anything else (wow, even booze & pills?) No really, you know how God says from now on there will be confusion amongst you ;( He was sad for that I see why now. I feel that human sorrow for our pain. Sucks!!!!!



In my heart and in my soul and in my body I feel it now. The pain,the sorrow and deeper compassion. I been praying to stretch and release. And I have. My kids have. It sucks to be in pain and have to wait. I am waiting and learning to praise God in the waiting time. In so many ways. I have been tested to the max. I am always learning. Evolution of man I call it.

Man made religion not God. Governments made Religions to control the people.

There is but only one true story of man. And it is in The Bible. The Holy Bible. Anyone who reads it all the way thru has a way better chance to judge their say on religion if they read the truth first.

Many false religions have erupted from the beginning of time and well, you know the rest.

Just like the His Story book goes, wars, and division of good and evil. Man vs. evil. Mans fight with himself, his meaning of life, his ego.

Any enough of my rants I'm just feeling a little blue today and I guess rightly so so not mourn for today for Joy in tomorrow is resurrection Day!!!!

And I rejoice!! Always! I learned that at church, in the bible, but really in my soul and in my being my whole life.

I saw pain I saw joy. I saw dark and I saw the light.

What a spiritual battle life really is, that want for your life. That pull. That division of your soul. I just wanted peace. I just wanted out. Out of the dark side. My whole life.

The older I get the more sorrow I feel. I feel honored to really have made it this far. Some days I wonder just how many times I wanted to be gone. Rid of my life. Rid of it all. Too much, I think I cant take any more. Then I feel that hand of God. That spiritual change in me to deepen me & my faith, my belief. It is all very supernatural ;)

The Heaven and angels are there to protect and direct but you have to know the story, you have to know the truth.

You mock when u have know real idea of what you speak of ~

well i do know one thing ;) that i am happy and joyous and free!!!! When I live my life sober for God and focus on sinning less well then I am at peace with myself & my world is Beautiful!

I forget daily, I turn my back always, I fight within myself for that spiritual battle of good & evil

Yet in the midst of the storm I am calm. I am at peace & joy & I can find the rejoice in my problems rejoice always

when i am in that fight i am growing up spiritual maturity

I always wanted to feel, to be soft and not numb. So when I feel now I think oh brother!

;)

and Thank you Jesus! For your ultimate price, your ultimate sacrifice your abounding love!!!!! You are my hero, You Are My God!

The Holy Trinity is thrilling!!

My Father, My Lord Yeshua!!!

who's side are you on anyway

im not sure what ppl expect but i think it is perfection. i think ppl have a hard time dealing with imperfection. i always wished commercials would be real and not such lies. that advertisements were not so fake, but i was reminded that "ppl dont want to see 'that' on tv". So imperfections are locked away from media and we the ppl only see the lies. ;(

crammed down our throats in our face 24/7 (see ;) all the sayings we are brainwashed with/by

so i avoid commercials, lies, adverts, and the norm. the gossip the in crowd

i always wanted to walk far far away from them/that

it scares me to the point where i just want to fight back the lies and do something different
stand 4 something diff

be bold and strong, banish fear and doubt and know that i am with you always for i am your Lord your God (old testament the holy bible book of joshua chapter 1 verse 9)

ppl are hurt wounded scared scarred numb

rebelling against the pain the hate the system
too hard to believe in good and in god

too much confusion and hate too much pain

that is evil that is bad that is satan and that is his plan

god tells us it all in the bible

how to deal with it the good and evil

satan

bad
but we dont listen to god we listen to satan
\by default

cuz we dont know any better

we are ignorant\
uneducated
lost
scared
frozen
in pain numb not done yet
lots dont make it ;(

too many are so hurt by it

we have to do something. we have to change

we have to trust
in god
not faulty humans
we have to read the story
we have to seek and ask for help
we have to declare faith
or die
we are dying
live before you die and die to self to live for eternity
spirits exist
good and bad in the here and now and the here after
energy exist that is a fact
we are made of energy that is a fact
\it all fits together
nothing is made in this world by mistake
it all works interactively
so know your part