Just call me Kane

What a year. I can't believe I have not written in over a year. Well, what I want to do this New Year is to focus more on being Wide Awake. Close to God, hugging tight (with all my Amour on). Reading my Bible more and meditating more. Hearing what it is God wants to tell me. My inner voice that I know is my God voice. All my life I have heard and chose to rebel. Brain Washed I think by evil. Conditioned and controlled by my actions (not capturing my thoughts). Spiritual Maturity I guess. Reading past posts (on EGads! http://sexsapades.blogspot.com) I see how I write to hear what it is God wants to tell me. I know God is with me always. I have always felt that. Unfortunately, Evil is too. I have to "deal" with it. And that sucks. Big time! PAIN Emotions, Feelings (all those bad, ugly words I hate ;) Heart Ache and Heart Break Seeing here I knew all along that I was running out my own self will and when I am left with all the damage and destruction I am mostly in pain at my stupidity. Bummed really. Lame. I really try to gain wisdom and so thru pain yet again, I have. REjoice in my problems is my favorite instruction in the Bible. I do. God blesses that. I see the Good in everything. I use to only see the Bad. I can dance with the Devil with the best of them though. And I do. I get swept away. Satan knows my weak spots. My favorite quote this year was If you want to find Satan, just look right under your nose. What am I afraid of? I am afraid I am not worthy or good enough for all God's Blessings. So I am going to try and feel worthy by 1) knowing that God says I am worthy thru Him as His and He is my King and I serve Him. Well, Do I? Parts of me do. Other parts, not so much. I rebel. I test. I don't want to see. I am afraid. I feel I can not win. I get taken down so often, I feel defeated. But in Christ I am RENEWED. I am strengthened I am RESTORED. God BUILDS my FAITH. and increases my Spiritual Maturity and Wisdom thru my hard work, effort, determination and perseverance. I am afraid of The Truth. I feel lied to, confused, skeptical. Human. Not trusting. Wounded. Scared. Conditioned, weak, brainwashed. Controlled. I prayed to break free from all of that. And I know that is deep rooted. Lies that I have been fighting my whole life. I am a Fighter. I am also weak and frail. Really in need of help. Good thing, because I depend on God for my strength. My fuel. My support. My love source. My comfort. My everything. I am swayed by temptation and stupidity. I need to act accordingly and stay focused. God has given me all the tools that I need and I know better. Now I am called to do better. I just need to know in my heart who's I AM I am tired of Participating in Evil. It just kills me (and all I love). I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are ;) Great quote from Taylor Swift When I am low I think of others, get out of myself. I call out for help as well. I pray. And God sends me humans to lift me up and give me the Truth and Encouragement. Sin is evil and the wrong thing to do mostly it feels great, looks great, is easy and pleasureful. I know hard work pays off. Doing the right thing alone is hard. In a group is better.Makes me accountable and encouraged. Sacrifice, give of myself and my time and humble to learn and share. Growing and stretching. I never listen to my friends or family. No one does do they? We all have to do our own thing. Well, I know I learn by hands on pain. ;) I have to roll around in the sewer to see where God wants me (And I get to learn what I want and who I want to Serve). But it gives me compassion and Drive to do the right thing. For God, For doing Good and The Right Thing and To Help Others In Need. Called to serve and help. Destine to fail and fall always. To get up and call out for help. To stand stronger in God and Faith/Belief. Knowledge gained on a field trip to Hell, if you will. Lessons learned, like Adam and Eve (and so many other examples God gives us thru out the Bible (Instruction book). Making Good/Wise choices this year is my goal. To stop hanging in the gutter and start acting as a Child of God. A Princess of The King. To accept God's plan for my life. And not be fooled into thinking I am a slave to Evil. I have a choice. I no longer want to rebel. I got my ass kicked and I am in a huge place of surrender. I see from my own actions the problems and pain that is made by my bad wrong choices and that is no longer "Fun" for me. I want to grow up I guess. Start being on God's side 100% and truly want His gifts and Blessings for me. I never trusted before because I felt pain and anger in the midst and all around me, but today I choose to live in the Light. I want to be Pure and Holy and Live My Life For God. I know Satan will try to take me down at every turn, but if I hold tight to My Father and My Lord, I will have everything I need. If I obey and strive to Honor Him I will have Blessings and Super Natural Powers thru The Holy Spirit and not the enemy. Knowing the Spiritual Battle all around me at every moment is critical. It is up to me to stay close to God, to pray, to rest in God to meditate to be slow and intentional. To listen to Him. To read and study and Follow. I feel honored to be chosen to fight for The Winning Team and I am fueled by God to share with others my story, my walk and how God works. God lightens my burdens it says in the Bible and by Joy in Serving I "get what I give" My heart longs to serve and "do the right thing" I gain pleasure in Him and teaching His Word. I practice His instructions and it brings me Peace. I feel and see all my Blessings around me and I validate that as my rewards (and "fruit" as it promises in the Bible). Lord, thank you for my life, my experiences, my lessons,your great teachings and teachers,for all my comforts and favors, for listening and answering, for giving me just what I need, just when I need it, Always! I praise you Lord and lift your name on high. Thank you for Freeing me from evil and my pain. Healing me from wanting to create more pain and hurt myself. Hurt ppl hurt. Heal all those in pain that are bonded to hurt themselves in one way or another. Help us see Father. Help us have a desire to learn and serve you only. Thank you for my opportunities to practice, learn and grow. Building Spiritual Muscles ;)