Just call me Kane

What a year. I can't believe I have not written in over a year. Well, what I want to do this New Year is to focus more on being Wide Awake. Close to God, hugging tight (with all my Amour on). Reading my Bible more and meditating more. Hearing what it is God wants to tell me. My inner voice that I know is my God voice. All my life I have heard and chose to rebel. Brain Washed I think by evil. Conditioned and controlled by my actions (not capturing my thoughts). Spiritual Maturity I guess. Reading past posts (on EGads! http://sexsapades.blogspot.com) I see how I write to hear what it is God wants to tell me. I know God is with me always. I have always felt that. Unfortunately, Evil is too. I have to "deal" with it. And that sucks. Big time! PAIN Emotions, Feelings (all those bad, ugly words I hate ;) Heart Ache and Heart Break Seeing here I knew all along that I was running out my own self will and when I am left with all the damage and destruction I am mostly in pain at my stupidity. Bummed really. Lame. I really try to gain wisdom and so thru pain yet again, I have. REjoice in my problems is my favorite instruction in the Bible. I do. God blesses that. I see the Good in everything. I use to only see the Bad. I can dance with the Devil with the best of them though. And I do. I get swept away. Satan knows my weak spots. My favorite quote this year was If you want to find Satan, just look right under your nose. What am I afraid of? I am afraid I am not worthy or good enough for all God's Blessings. So I am going to try and feel worthy by 1) knowing that God says I am worthy thru Him as His and He is my King and I serve Him. Well, Do I? Parts of me do. Other parts, not so much. I rebel. I test. I don't want to see. I am afraid. I feel I can not win. I get taken down so often, I feel defeated. But in Christ I am RENEWED. I am strengthened I am RESTORED. God BUILDS my FAITH. and increases my Spiritual Maturity and Wisdom thru my hard work, effort, determination and perseverance. I am afraid of The Truth. I feel lied to, confused, skeptical. Human. Not trusting. Wounded. Scared. Conditioned, weak, brainwashed. Controlled. I prayed to break free from all of that. And I know that is deep rooted. Lies that I have been fighting my whole life. I am a Fighter. I am also weak and frail. Really in need of help. Good thing, because I depend on God for my strength. My fuel. My support. My love source. My comfort. My everything. I am swayed by temptation and stupidity. I need to act accordingly and stay focused. God has given me all the tools that I need and I know better. Now I am called to do better. I just need to know in my heart who's I AM I am tired of Participating in Evil. It just kills me (and all I love). I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are ;) Great quote from Taylor Swift When I am low I think of others, get out of myself. I call out for help as well. I pray. And God sends me humans to lift me up and give me the Truth and Encouragement. Sin is evil and the wrong thing to do mostly it feels great, looks great, is easy and pleasureful. I know hard work pays off. Doing the right thing alone is hard. In a group is better.Makes me accountable and encouraged. Sacrifice, give of myself and my time and humble to learn and share. Growing and stretching. I never listen to my friends or family. No one does do they? We all have to do our own thing. Well, I know I learn by hands on pain. ;) I have to roll around in the sewer to see where God wants me (And I get to learn what I want and who I want to Serve). But it gives me compassion and Drive to do the right thing. For God, For doing Good and The Right Thing and To Help Others In Need. Called to serve and help. Destine to fail and fall always. To get up and call out for help. To stand stronger in God and Faith/Belief. Knowledge gained on a field trip to Hell, if you will. Lessons learned, like Adam and Eve (and so many other examples God gives us thru out the Bible (Instruction book). Making Good/Wise choices this year is my goal. To stop hanging in the gutter and start acting as a Child of God. A Princess of The King. To accept God's plan for my life. And not be fooled into thinking I am a slave to Evil. I have a choice. I no longer want to rebel. I got my ass kicked and I am in a huge place of surrender. I see from my own actions the problems and pain that is made by my bad wrong choices and that is no longer "Fun" for me. I want to grow up I guess. Start being on God's side 100% and truly want His gifts and Blessings for me. I never trusted before because I felt pain and anger in the midst and all around me, but today I choose to live in the Light. I want to be Pure and Holy and Live My Life For God. I know Satan will try to take me down at every turn, but if I hold tight to My Father and My Lord, I will have everything I need. If I obey and strive to Honor Him I will have Blessings and Super Natural Powers thru The Holy Spirit and not the enemy. Knowing the Spiritual Battle all around me at every moment is critical. It is up to me to stay close to God, to pray, to rest in God to meditate to be slow and intentional. To listen to Him. To read and study and Follow. I feel honored to be chosen to fight for The Winning Team and I am fueled by God to share with others my story, my walk and how God works. God lightens my burdens it says in the Bible and by Joy in Serving I "get what I give" My heart longs to serve and "do the right thing" I gain pleasure in Him and teaching His Word. I practice His instructions and it brings me Peace. I feel and see all my Blessings around me and I validate that as my rewards (and "fruit" as it promises in the Bible). Lord, thank you for my life, my experiences, my lessons,your great teachings and teachers,for all my comforts and favors, for listening and answering, for giving me just what I need, just when I need it, Always! I praise you Lord and lift your name on high. Thank you for Freeing me from evil and my pain. Healing me from wanting to create more pain and hurt myself. Hurt ppl hurt. Heal all those in pain that are bonded to hurt themselves in one way or another. Help us see Father. Help us have a desire to learn and serve you only. Thank you for my opportunities to practice, learn and grow. Building Spiritual Muscles ;)

I want to start the Church of The Homeless

It's 3am and I am awake. For some reason I feel compelled to write. To start. To begin a new year. Today is a holiday for most everyone here in Southern California well probably most of America.

Yet where I was on Sat., New Years Eve, well there is no Holiday for them. This only means that the soup kitchen is closed. That there is no where for them to go.

So many elderly women and men with no where to sleep. Not just tonight but every night.

I went to Costa Mesa to "feed the homeless". There was no shelter for the night, just a place to get a hot meal. I met a wonderful family who provides buss passes (so they can have a warm place to stay for the night, praise God the buss runs 24 hours) and socks, food, and dignity.

I wish I had money so I could help buy more buss passes, but I really wish I had money to build shelters.

I can not believe we are one of the riches Counties in the world and we have so little to help the ones who need it the most.



No grandmas should be out in the cold with no bed, no safe house, no clean clothes.

So many just in the one place I happened to be.



You know my favorite homeless person was Jesus. He walked the earth as a man. Teaching others how to be the person God wants us to be. He had no address here on Earth. Jesus tells us not to store up things, possessions here on Earth. He tells us to walk. To teach and to be an example. To love, to tend to the sick, the needy and the elderly.

My second favorite homeless person was CoCo Channel. She grew up in an Orphanage. She grew up poor, with nothing. God used her pain to inspire me.

My third favorite homeless person is my Dad. For some reason he chooses to live in his car. He has ever since I was a child.

These are 3 great reasons to inspire me.

To not want the things of this world. To not feel bad if I have no home of my own. To be super grateful for my bottled water, my bed and my hot bath.

I wish I could take Pelican Hill Resort and give it to the homeless. A place to comfort and treat the ones that need and deserve it the most.

What comforts me is to know that in the Bible God says that the poor will be the richest in Heaven.

That one day the most down trodden will be pampered, treated and comforted.

So dignity and respect come from knowing the Truth. Knowing God's Words gives me knowledge, wisdom and peace.

Knowing that the homeless are doing more of what God asks us to do than anyone else. To walk the Earth and tell others about God. To not have possessions, and not value money.

Dignity and respect do not come from sitting in a big house watching TV, or driving a $60,000 car. Self worth comes from having nothing, but a Bible & the love of Jesus in your heart.

I just read the verse in the Bible and I identify with Paul when he says, I have had nothing and I have had everything. The only thing that matters is knowing that God is the source of all that I need. God provides my comfort, my happiness, not the possessions that I have.

I encourage you to give what you have, your heart. Give all that you have to God and He will see that you have everything you need. I know this first hand. I know this promise is in the Bible and I have put it into action.

My faith and trust is in the Lord. He provides all that I need, all that I want. I want for you to know God. I want to dedicate my life to serving God, serving His people and doing His will.

All that I want, is for me and my kids to serve the Lord only. To give our lives to Him. To give all that we have to God. Use us Lord to help your children. Help me see where you want me to go and what you want me to do. Thank you Jesus for your example, for saving our lives. Thank you God for your Holy Spirit who comforts and guides.

Thank you Lord for all that you do, all that you give me and all that I am.

The Truth Of It All

It sucks that you took my kids away. It's not fair that you took them so far away ;( I never did that nor would I ever think about doing that to you, to them.

I don't even get to see them go to their first dance. I don't get to see my daughter in her first gown, her first concert. What kind of evil person are you? Oh ya, the kind who walks out on his wife and child hours after giving birth to your second. I can't believe after all these years I keep trying to give you the benefit of the doubt! Well it finally has sunk in that you are just evil to the core.

I feel so bad for Evan and Amanda. I guess some people are just pure evil. Please God bring my children home, they need a mother. Keep them safe from harm. I see how you turned them against me and against God. That is the sickest thing that anyone can do to a child.

You think you have won. The courts are as sick as you. Just because I could not afford a lawyer I know if I could my kids would be home now. I can't believe my son is so underweight and the kids never eat dinner. I asked Amanda last night what she had for dinner and at 8:00 she said nothing yet. Aren't you home all day? You have not worked in 5 years. And you tried to sue ME for child support! You owed me over 20,000$ in back child support that you never paid! You ran around with your 23 year old girl friend and blew 10 grand a month and I have the bank statements to prove it ;(

Sick, sick, sick is all I can say

The kids tell me it is so cold in your house and my daughter sleeps on the floor! You can't even clean out the junk that is in her closet so she can hang up her clothes?

I wish to God that I could afford a lawyer and get my kids back! Even with a recent police report showing you threw your current wife down the stairs while you were drunk and had a loaded gun in your hand IN FRONT OF HER 10 year old son! No wonder her son ran away and has not even talked to or seen his mom in 2 years now. I can't believe how screwed up our "justice" system is ~ the judge couldn't even talk i'm pretty sure he was drunk.

Unreal how much hell you have put us all threw all these years and still you can't stop trying to ruin my kids. You told Evan you would kill yourself if he left. I just hope you don't kill him while he's there. You tell the kids not to talk to me and they don't unless you are not around (which is rare since all you do is stay home all day and your wife lives 3 hours away M-F) So you only leave on the weekends and then you leave them alone up in the mountains with no adult for days on end. So far away and sometimes snowed in how can anyone get to them in case of an emergency.

Evan has scars all over his back that look like belt marks, he say's he doesnt know how they got there.

The kids tell me you drive drunk, on the ice and snow mountain roads with them in the car and make fun of Evan for not drinking.

God help me and my kids. God please, please, please help me know what to do to help your kids. They are so angry and hurting when they come home I don't even recognize them anymore. They tell me they are not to say the word God at home and they can't talk about me or the Bible. Now they don't want to come for visits ~ it's like Patty Hearst when she was kidnapped, I see all the same things happening to my kids how they say things that he says and even in his tone of voice.

Oh God please help us fast, please God please

I think the only thing wrong with Ppl is their lack of self worth

Scared, fearful, anxious that is the feeling (or lack of feelings) that most Ppl have. Live off of really.

So I hear a warning bell when I get fearful, anxious, scared and realize that is my cue to pray. To trust. My mom taught me to go to God. The source, The Power I say. Slow down and ask for help.

To listen to God with in me and then have faith that is what I can trust. To know that voice within. The voice of love & truth. Not the busy confusing lies of the devil. the enemy. That we are not worth anything.

If you believe that God is your creator your father your everything then you have value and worth. You have a purpose. I do believe in the power of God the super natural powers of the Lord. So to learn His ways in The Bible and put them into practice I can see how we as humans listen over and over to the lies of dark side. Brainwashed over and over again by the evil that wants us dead.

So Ying and yang is interlocking evil with good and has to revolve around that. Learn to live with evil and not be consumed by it. To make your own choice and not be taken down.

A war. A spiritual war. Battle. Know your enemy. Know God. Then you are armed to make the choice of your own free will ;) Thanks God!

So to know God is to find Love and self acceptance and purpose. The best benefits are the blessings and gifts that comfort and give joy.

The pain with the love, acceptance and joy are like the healing ointment that soothes you back to health. Like when you were born, pure from God.

That is what I have learned thru my years here on this earth.

Today I am just angry

If this is all God's plan then why am I so angry? I don't trust Him? I don't get it really is more like it. I do not understand so I question it? Fight it? Why? Hmmm??? I wonder theses things.

I don't get it? Why are you so nice to me, then so mean? Why do you leave me alone? Because you feel bad? Guilty? Or is it just that you know you won't get what you want? Maybe all three.

I am not to sure about most things but I do know I love God. I love my kids and I want me and my kids to honor God. I want for us all to have mates, partners whom honor God.

I get sad a lot. Mostly I think it is just years of tears built up.

I rejoice in my problems today. I rejoice a lot.

Thank you God for my life. Thank you for reminding me that it is not about me, it is all about serving you.

Eternally Yours,

Your Faithful Servant.

God is good God is everything good God is good all the time ;)

Be happy. Rejoice. Be you, be free

free from anything weighing you down. Drop the rock ;) AA talk

Live clean means live pure

no guilt

no worries

pain is felt and let go

release

I am so glad i can feel today. so glad i can release the bad but heck i hate that i have to feel the bad yuck so not use to that ouch! gives me compassion and strenghth at my very lowest ;) that is a reason to rejoice for sure!

party on

Value myself my life today

I am trying to live clean. do the right thing

teach my kids to follow God and do the right thing

not to be tricked so easily

to know your enemy

and your weak spots

FOCUS

on God and what it is that you are suppose to be doing this very moment.

is it God honoring

or not


Hmm accountability is not something that comes easily to me

I am use to just doing my own thing
my whole life

so now I like living sober
but the clean part comes harder

not drunk anymore so i can have to see my own actions i guess if i want to

and i wanted to

want to

God gives me courage and strength and that is Supernatural.

Not easy to see if you are a non believer

a pre believer ;)

But i like to relate that to how every one sees the bad

believes in demons and angels and everyone has God within that they really can not deny.

They may push away

they may not feel worthy

but it is there

they may be so angry they rebel

that is a sickness
a brain washing by evil



Deep within controls our actions


and that is why we seek our whole life to find the meaning of our lives.

Whatever

just live and be free
live pure and seek God

the light the truth the way

or not

live in darkness

I see how well it is working out for you

Dear God, thank you for my life. Thank you for teaching me every day how to love you follow you more. How to seek and use your Holy Spirit and follow my instincts. Not be distracted. To focus on you. What it is that I want and most important on doing your will not mine.

Give me your supernatural strength and powers to do your will Lord. I will follow you always and have no fear. I have no need to be afraid because I know you are with me always. My life I live for you Lord and you alone. I will go where you want me to go and do what you want me to do. I will serve you til the end of my life. Please help me teach your children, work thru me to help me be an instrument of your peace and love.

In your Son's holy name I pray

But Why?

Probably the words I have said more than any other words put together in my life time

I love singing Christmas songs and listening to them all year round. I use to sing them to my babies to put them/us to sleep ;)

I love learning. I love good information. Useful, uplifting information. I dislike pain. I enjoy finding the joy in everything.

I like the rewards of working for free and I dislike material things (when I become dependent on them for comfort, instead of God).

I love God's supernatural gifts and blessings ;) I love that God shows Himself to us. Speaks to our hearts (Bill Maher) (I think that is how he spells his last name? ;)

If you survive horrific evil torture your whole life you end up different.

Different bad if you have no help. No retraining. Or modification as I like to call it (evolution ;)

After a lifetime of asking why? Seeking, searching, learning...I have a good life today.

Peaceful. Happy. Full of feelings and life ;) Sometimes sorrow overcomes my being and I am in pain. That is mostly compassion today. I am grateful.

My physical pain is a fight to overcome afflictions (in a supernatural way). Being in joy & peace and being teachable & dependent on God (as a newborn is to its Mother ;) that is a great accomplishment (I strive for daily ;)

From a life of pain and sadness to frustration and despair, to happiness, & peace is now just joy to me!

Seeing my prayers answered learning the word of God and applying it in my life and worshiping His Glory! Is comfort, peace & joy!

Being in tuned to God around me, God within me and calling on the Holy Spirit to amuse me (& protect me, bless me ;)

Makes me sad (but want to keep fighting for Good ;) when ppl are so messed up, twisted and confused (tricked by evil, the great deceiver)

Bill Maher. I pray for evil and evil things to be turned to something that God can use for His Glory! To be used to help more ppl see God within them and in others around them. To see God and good in everything. To not fight evil with evil but to learn about God and Good & His Glory!

Do not be defeated by fear. False Evidence Appearing Real.

Stress/Worry/Sadness/Anger/Fear Forgetting Everything is All Right.

Why means how.

When I work against myself when I listen to lies in my head that I have been brainwashed to trigger fear I stop now. I am intentional about focusing on doing the right thing. Obeying. Thinking true and real thoughts. Not destroying myself and what I want for myself. Wanting good and and wanting God's powers to get that (not my own powers or evils deceptions). Knowing that on my own I am lost. I am taken.

I must focus daily thru the day on how I think and what I do. I do not like being at odds with myself. I enjoy peace now.

When I have chaos or turmoil I must correct the problem within. I like living pure. I like following God's good ways. I like God's rewards. Not the Devil's disasters.

I see when I get off the path I feel horrible. I feel bad. Not sad but bad. Evil. Wrong. Before all I had just black around me so I was comfortable with that. Now it just makes me ill.

I've always had it all in my life (growing up in Orange County Southern California) the best of everything. I have always been comfortable. Overly comfortable. I like the beach, being in a bathing suit barefoot and warm sleeping on the sand. I love eating fruit & vegetables (I'm a vegetarian ;) & I like being outside in the sun and in the water ;)

I turn my eyes from evil things except when I have to see or hear something I must learn from. Change comes by seeing things I dislike. I never give up hope on defeating evil thru God's Holy Spirit ;)

Thanks God for that ;)

Breaks over. I need to get back to work. Today I am working for free at my house cleaning for my kids ;) and myself ;) Thank you God for my playlists of worship music to make me feel so good!

Thank you for great coffee & good eats ;) For my kids and all the great gifts you give us (our rad house ;) all our fabulous clothes (& bathing suits ;) you just provide it all!!

Thanks for the sun and warm beach days!!!! Thanks for friends and family and kids to laugh with!

Thank you for my mom and sisters Thank you for my sisters in Christ!

Thank you for dreams ;) Thank you for pictures & phone calls from loved ones too far away to hug ;) Thank you for our computers and texting and mostly for our health.

Thank you for teaching me and my kids how to touch the souls of others to serve you Lord God and to desire to do your will. To praise you in the waiting time & rejoice in our problems always!