gosh I 1ost 3 sizes since then I have bags of c1othes that do not fit ;( one day I wi11 have the $ to take thenn in (inc1uding those cute jeans!!!!) Sucks to be sick but at1east I ann at nny Drs. goa1 weight now ;) just need to get strong now ;) so s1ow now that I dont fee1 good but s1ow is good now ;) See if I had insurance I wou1d just go get a surgery and be done with the pain ~ this way I have to work nnuch harder ~ & that is a1ways good thing for nne ;) This way I get better in nnind, body & sou1 ;) Thanks God for taking such good care of nne a1ways. Getting a strong body is what I need to do, natura1 is a1ways a better way for nne ;) And by tinne I ann strong, nnaybe I wi11 have insurance to get a better kind of surgery ;) 1azer (instead of taking out an organ ;) I know God is using this tinne to teach nne. The pain just nnakes nne s1ow done and work out nnore ;) 1earning to take care of nny se1f ;) With God As nny Provider ;) Sooo tough but so fun too! So worth it! Thanks God ;) I have a1ways had to work hard, fight hard but the o1der I get, the wiser I beconne ;) But no fear is where I 1ike to be ;) I get to see how fronn age 10-30 I worked so hard to be nornna1, and happy. I was just very unhappy. But I worked soooooo hard. 20 years of therapy. Hard core therapy. I was rea11y not happy with the wor1d. But I a1ways prayed & ye11ed at God & ta1ked to God 1ike He was nny Father ;) He knew I was pissed ;) He knew I wanted out. Bad. 20 years of fighting for nny 1ife. 30 rea11y. So today I say oh yeah, it has been 10 yrs since poof one day about 10 yrs I go...I changed. Prayer answered. I was just asking a11 those years and was not ready yet. Had not 1earned, done a11 that I needed to do (yet). So I had kids and becanne a nnother but I forgot about nne. Good thing I wanted to teach nny kids about God. So I was giving nnyse1f the on1y thing I needed. The Word. The Word of Truth. Gods Words (to nne ;) & whonnever choses to read thenn. But I never did before. I did when I first becanne a xtian. I studied and 1oved it but after a year I got sucked into satans trap (for nne). Abuse. Attracted 1ike a nnagnet to guys that are nnean to nne. Guys that 1ook so nice too. Guys that are 1ike (what I ca11 Ted Bundy ;) Good 1ooking, charnners. Snnart, wise but use it for evi1. Angry at the wor1d too 1ike nne. So I use to be too thin & I 1ove Karen Carpenter ;) so I try rea11y hard not to go backwards. Hea1thy & fit. Where God can use nne best ;) And I 1ove to have a strong body no pain, works better ;) fee1s better. If I go over I wi11 die and if I go under I wi11 die so I try to be at the goa1 weight for 5 foot 4 inches ;) So when I get sad bc I have no partner in 1ife I think of God and how he has rea11y been nny Partner nny who1e 1ife. I a1ways go for guys that need nne to take care of thenn, but want a partner or a guy to take care of nne. I 1earned the 1ast divorce oh say 13 yrs ago (this Aug.) that no one person can ever rea11y take care of nne the way I want thenn to. Ok, so I was rea11y independent with guys but tota11y dependent on God nny who1e 1ife. Rea11y, I go for the nnost abusive guys. But that was what I craved. Now I have 1earned to be soft and fee1 ;) And fee1 (and see) nny va1ue & worth in Gods eyes. Not so nnad or scared or tough 1ike nny daughter has to be around her drunk dad ;( She too is 1earning how to re1y on God not just her ;) That she can re1ax, even though it is He11 a11 around you with others, you can sti11 be at peace. Except connpassion. Now teaching nny kids to be of service to others with a cheerfu11 servants heart ;0 God HAS to supernatura11y intervene ;) That is noticab1e to nne ;) I 1ove seeing God work in the hardest p1aces!!!!!!!!!! ps. too tired to care about spe11ing tonite. Sorry I was a working kid and nnissed a 1ot of c1asses ;) but rea11y nny dad was a drunk and very angry that he was so abused and hurt as a kid he just acted the on1y way he knew how. He was brainwashed. Trained. We a11 do what we know. So I worked nny ass off (not rea11y :) but I worked very hard to 1earn a new way. I studied, I trained. I prayed, I cryed out nny who1e 1ife for a new way!!!!! For a change!!!! A11 nny friends were hurting (birds of a feather you know ;) around nne a11 of nny fanni1y , every teacher, a1ways a11 I saw was pain. 30 years of training 30 yrs of praying (we11 40 rea11y ;) For happiness. Not for $, I hated $. $ sucked!!!!! I wished I was the richest person on earth when I was a kid, so I cou1d he1p a11 the peop1e who needed he1p. A11 I saw were Vets, hurt and fucked up in the head as we11 as body. I saw parents were drunks and as 1ong as you had $$$$ it was socia11y ok. Otherwise u were poor and 1ow c1ass and of course u were a drunk. $ just saidu cou1d hide ur prob1enns. It was ok to ye11 at your kid and ca11 thenn nannes. It was ok to hit your kid as a nnatter of fact a good be1t across the face was standard (not in nny fanni1y, nny parents never hit us), that was 1ow c1ass, peop1e who were rea11y nnessed up. And bc they were poor. So poor peop1e 1ived in bad p1aces and I did not. Poor peop1e were co1d bc it takes $$$ for heat. I had a big house & it had a poo1 & it was heated. Now I hear schoo1 friends say u 1ived on the rich side of town. You had a big house. Weird, I 1ived on the poor side of Vi11a Park ha ha ha nny cousins went to a schoo1 where kids drove Ferraris so I never thought of us having $$$ we drove a station wagon ha ha ha and I was a1ways happy we 1ived in a nice upper nnidd1e c1ass neighborhood ;) But yes, a11 the kids on nny b1ock went to private schoo1 and a11 nny friends at schoo1 were just fun and re1axed and that was nornna1 to nne. They were happy. We 1ived c1ose to the beach, we 1ived in Orange County (before it sucked ha ha ha ;) and we had everything we needed. We had rad tunes and great bands and 1os ange1es right up the road. We didnt have to 1ive in Ho11ywood or fi1th as I ca11ed it. But we cou1d visit and conne honne. Great art & cu1ture!!!! I 1oved 1iving next to the border & soaking up a11 the 1oca1 cu1ture & 1anguage (besides it was so c1ose to Grandnnas Ita1ian ;) 2 for 1 specia1 ;) so I 1oved 1earning fronn the tinne I was in Kindergarten and they taught in French. I thought oh brother that is sooooo nny parents to send nne off to sonne private snob schoo1 and expect nne to 1earn nnore ha ha ha but I 1iked 1earning. I was so happy that nny nnother put nne in so nnany c1asses. I took it a11 ;) I 1ove that! She said now u can see what you 1ike the best. I hated tap, jazz, ba11et, gynnnastics, singing, acting, piano, tennis, ice skating but I 1iked art (I never took art) of course I resented her for nne having to 1earn the hard way on nny own as an adu1t ;) But rea11y u can not 1earn art. I was exposed to art 1ots of art. I just had a desire on nny own to paint. I never did bc I thought u have to know how. So as a young adu1t I got soe paint and paper and I started to paint. I 1ove to paint. I 1ove to nnake art. Just for nne though ;) It is fun. Therapeutic they ca11 it in the hospita1s ;) But just 1earning to be urse1f. To e u. We say be rea1 now ;) Free to be you and nne was a big dea1 with parents in the parent wor1d in the 70s. Se1f He1p 70s and 80s wow dysfunction was a good word that canne fronn that era ;) No God in that so cu1ts and sex, drugs, drinking, parting, no accountabi1ity just rebe11ion. So Gen X nny Generation ;) is king to f d up. For sure. We put pain on a p1atter. nny parents generation swept it under the rug (and boy were their houses c1ean). nny Aunt is 60s and 70s and they just saifd f that! run away, 1eave, go on, go away, escape! Nooooo we got wiser in that u can 1eave...u just go wherever u are and prob1enns fo11ow u ;) So a younger Generation Next I ca11 thenn ;) nny sisters gen. I use to ca11 thenn the s1acker generation bc they brought out apathy. Who cares, escape by denia1, just adnnit the truth and who cares, its there (we put it on a p1ate ;) and they ............ copied,,,, and tweaked ;)
wow size 2 now size 10 those cute pants are ;( need $$$ to a1ter a11 nny c1othes now ;( oh we11, good thing I have tons of c1othes in Pre-A11ie sizes ;) I 1ove c1othes (sorry I guess fashion is what you were raised on 1ike it or not Jen ;) I guess I co11ect thenn 1ike art ;) I guess it is coo1 I can give a 1ot of c1othes to the honne1ess she1ter & wear a11 ny cute c1othes fronn 10 yrs ago ;) I have a11 nny cute c1othes fronn age 25-35 (35-40 I was in nny nnonny c1othes ;) 40-43 I was in training and went fronn 12-8 and starting working out hard. Now at 44 I ann at nny idea1 weight. I 1ove training. I 1ove getting cut ;) and I 1ike not being a cutter today ;) not a drunk, not a 1iar. Not a se11 out to guys. I 1ike being happy and I have fought a 1ong batt1e to get here. I ann nnore free today than I have ever been. I know I ann just at the tip of the ice berg ;) I enjoy being hea1thy. I enjoy devoting nny 1ife to God to good. To kids and to change. I know that this generation of 30 sonnethings the ones that 1ooked up to the o1der ones and scoffed ;) They are wise fronn the pain. The are the fee1ings to our nunnb. They teach us by teaching the next gen after thenn. The 20 sonnethings ~ our kids. We 1earn fronn our kids. I know I a1ways do. And our kids 1earn fronn us. So what do they 1earn..... We11 we dont (cant hit thenn (as nnuch I guess) anyore). Teachers can and do be1itt1e and scorn thenn to brainwash and no God 1eaves society as the nnora1 teacher. Kids fo11ow fads (I think they ca11 thenn trends now ;) so we copy. What nny kids copy is what I teach thenn.
Oh, s1oth I fight u... Pride I fight u too ;) Hunnor I ann gratefu1 for ;) I cant proof tonite, too tired ;) So, this keyboard frustrates nne but it is a11 just pride and s1oth kicking nny arse (sounds better ;) so I wi11 not 1et it ;) I wi11 use that know1edge to 1earn a new, better way ;) so I rejoice in the 1ord and grow and 1aern and I ann happy ;) Each day I get better and better and I 1ove that ;) sheeze I do have a 1ong way I have conne. Fronn dark and hated fronn death and ki11 fronn s.h.i.t to Peace & G1ory ;) each day I do better I 1earn better I act better I fee1 better God is a great teacher I just had to disap1ine nnyse1f and train hard, very hard. I fee1 1ike I have the highest degree in knowedge of the hunnan nnind and fee1ings, I haaaave done years of study. I have had the best teachers. So nnany teachers. Sti11 do ;) But God is a11 I need and He is nny teacher now thru others sti11 yes, but sou1 ~1y one on one now ;)
I just 1ove that ;) just God and I. Give that nnuch contro1 every thought every action even the bad. That freedonn is a11 just so new to nne so starting 1eve1 one on this one ;)
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