Thank you God for all that you show me, all that you teach me. Even though thru my twenties (ok & in my teens) I was very, very angry at you. I know that you know this. But I guess I feel bad, even though I always felt you loved & accepted me no matter what. I guess I feel lame that it took me so long to get it ;) I guess that I have to feel my pain. And you know I suck at that. I need your help to feel human and grieve to be sad when need be and not to be enraged.

I know many ppl that feel (or not feel) like me.

Just watch TV

Just listen to ppl talk

drugs, alcohol, food, work, sex, denial. Wow we know how to turn it off and not feel. Except anger.

rage

I can not and do not want to afford any part of anger in a way that hurts myself, anyone else or any personal property. I do pretty good. Well since I learned that in a psy ward when I was 23 (i've had a lot of practice!)

So now i feel that means sad not mad ;) 3 years and i still cry a lot but I am ok with that ;) makes me happy to feel. And I was so depressed and manic from 20-30 on every med, doctor, shrink, hospital, no kids, just therapy ;)

I was a wreck. I was not happy. I wanted to die. I hated life I hated myself I hated ppl

That sucked

I went thru all the sin all the Hollywood porn, Hollywood Call Girls but I was too busy cutting myself and being with bad ass guys. I was a drunk I only felt numb. I was enraged (14 shrinks said... hmmm ??? That is the one thing I did know ;)

I had to heal. I had to heal myself with God. And I did

God did it for me and I asked my whole life.

I just wanted happiness. I had everything else and I was never happy

13 years plus now I feel happiness. Joy, peace in my heart and I do not fear

stress is anger for me

stress is fear

facing fears is facing the truth

it is always my cross to carry and learn from. My rejoice in my problems for they get me closer to God and being the person He needs/wants me to be. I put God first focus on Him and I am all good ;) It is so hard to go against the norm

but today I feel ready. I have been all year stronger and stronger the last 3 yrs. the last 10 yrs all my life really ;) I have been in therapy w/God ;)

My Mom too hee hee she taught me & my Grandma taught me Faith & History & God used them and my Great grandma too ;)

They tell me ;)

Most ppl rather live a lie

I as a child actor always tried to run from the fake

I am grateful for that ;)

Satan sucks us in by our emotions so I am learning that keep your thoughts captive & talk to God about my problems and He will guide me & He does ;)

He comforts me and answers my prayers

I give Him the Glory & He can work thru me to help my kids thru me learning and calling out the Holy Spirit ;)

Satan tricks

PPl follow fortune tellers and horoscopes but not The Holy Spirit???

Weird but the bible does say most ppl will follow the devil

and they do... like sheep, denial, uneducated, in the dark

I dont want to live in the dark any more.

I lived in the light for 10 yrs and then I got the courage thru prayer and devotion

to leave an abusive marriage. Every guy I have ever been has been my Dad. Angry and against God

My Dad got sober & goes to church every week. He has made years of amends to me and has changed.

I am so grateful for that.

Now I taught my son and daughters the same thing I grew up with (of course duh)

So now that my eyes have been opened (wider again) I see more. I have put in years of study and training and I see the results. It sucks no doubt but some how it's Gods gifts and comforts that make it fun!!!

OK

Alright!

Yes, I rejoice today!!! In my problems so I am happy as a lune ;) And I love life these past oh 13 yrs ;)

No more depression, growing more thru God no meds I got sober and devoted my life to God again. I njoyed helping others (most of the time ;)

Got out of myself

Got into service and being real

I felt like Qui Chang Kane in Kung Fu (on my path with nothing but whats in my bag and on my back) Just my bag is Louis Vuitton ;)

The next decade I spent raising my kids and homeschooling. Going to church and bible studies ;)

But i had to deal with the abuse, the anger, the sickness

I went back to therapy with the kids and God answered prayed for a free Christian therapist. We had been wanting and they were asking to go for yrs. To deal with anger

So being alone 3 yrs not in a marriage leaving a marriage and fighting returning to old ways.

I received the gifts of prayers and I was softer, I was feeling (the healthy way that God intended). Again, it has been very hard but very worth it, I have learned a lot. And I have had fun and joy and ahhhhh... peace. Thru God not a guy ;) A need to find a healthy guy that is better than me ;) stronger with God and his actions. I will wait for that guy. I am happy, honored now to not let guys bully me to compromise my beliefs. I am at peace & joy being alone with God. I have healed this year in that. I did not want to give up my dream of a family in Christ. I dont know ;) And I feel great! I know God is in charge and either way alone with God and my kids or with a partner some day I am ok. I am happy. I am at peace.

Thank you Lord for all you give me.

All the gifts & provisions