I prayed for years to feel, and the last 2 years I have. More and more each day. Little by little allowing myself to feel. To be real. And heal. Feal means trusting in faith - I looked it up one day after I wrote that title ;)
So after a life time of asking why? I know. I always knew. I just really know now. You know like deep in your soul and in your heart down deep - way down deep in the pit of your being. Well, I have chores to do and kids to play with and tend to and I am super happy ;) I do get bummed at all the pain in the world. It hurts me know, pains my heart to hurt. I never felt that before. I was too numb from the pain.
I love tea though, hot tea, all kinds. It soothes me and refreshes me. Always has. My friends would tease me when I was 10 and 12 cuz I drank hot tea ha ha and I lived in Cali. not London ;)
But my parents were old school Europeans. Both first generation I think both their parents were born in the home land ;) My dad Czech and mi mom Italy. Both sides were very true to their traditions and I loved that. The Czech would say they want me to marry a good boy that comes from our land. And My Mom's side all the old Great Aunts would pinch my checks and squeeze me tight and say marry a good italian boy. I was like 10. Ha ha ha I was just a little kid but I modeled and worked as an actor since I was 4 so I was use to being around adults a lot. Interviewing constantly and working quite a bit. My kids see my Dittos posters at 10 and say That is so not cool to make a 10 year old look like a sex symbol. Ouch. Sex sells my darlings. I am glad that they think that is wrong. I do to. I think it is wrong that kids are used to work and thrown into an adult situation (funny when you can collect unemployment when you are 4) and going to cocktail parties to promote sales etc. Got me lot's of jobs as an adult - heck I was a pro at interviews ;) But it also was so much pressure and I was always so thankful my mom did not totally sell me out. She let me take off lots of times to go to a birthday party after school instead of work. Lot's of kids could not. They really worked way more than I did - they had weekly series. Lot's o them.
So I am excited today that I can feel. Even if it is sadness some times. Sadness for the pain in the ones I love. Sadness that the world has hurt so many of my friends. Sadness that a lot of my friends are dead - senselessly! And sad that so many pieces of my heart break for those I love the most.
But I am a follower of Christ. I know that God uses all the bad and turns it to Grand! I know this is true ;) I have lived this my whole life. I see miracles every day ;) I get to see God every day & feal him!
I pray today for those who are in pain who are sad and beat down. I pray for those knowing Gods truth that they be lifted and carried. And I pray for the lost to be found.
I know I have had a sad life. I know that I have always wanted to love & be loved by a husband.
I know that one day I will have that dream. And in the mean time I get to be excited that I am happy no matter what! That I am joyous & excited beyond words!!! That is the Holy Spirit~~~~
I have always been a single mom just wishing and hoping my life long dream of having a family would come true. I have never had a partner to parent my kids with. They have never known peace or stability from a man. But God I knell before you head bowed and say You are My King. You are my Hero. Thank You Lord for teaching my kids to put their trust in You and You only Lord Jesus. Thank you for providing some how always day by day just what we need ~ and then some ;) . Thank you for teaching my kids to give back all that they have to help some one less off than they. Thank you Lord that My Kids Know Their Purpose and Know That You are Lord.
Thank you for all our fun lovely beautiful blessings ~ you overflow our lives with blessings & joy to share with everyone of your creatures Daily ;)
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