I thought I deserved Satan

I finally have enough self worth to do it ur way God ;) I NOW want ur blessings for me. I want to do it ur way and get YOUR results for me!!! Not mine (or Satan's) Yah!!!! All girls want that Mr Right and that is the person u intend for me/us. But lust gets in the way, fear, & believing the LIES that I have been brainwashed to believe my whole life. I am a bad person, I have done bad things and I deserve bad things. I always went for the sickest guys, hurt, angry & sexually abused - like me. Generational sin and sickness that needs a cure. God heals. God is the Mighty Counselor, but u must seek Him. After 25 yrs. I know it now!!! God lead me the whole way, I just was really untrusting & wounded/in raged. I know now, I will not allow satan to rob me of my joy now. I will not allow anyone to hurt me or abuse me. I have a choice today & pray daily for God to protect me & give me his Supernatural strength to do the right thing. I always wanted to be pure. He knew that. I just did not have the tools or training. I fully intend to teach my kids now why lust kills. I have had a very hard life bc of it (as well as my 4 kids). But TODAY I can make a change for them , myself & the future generation of girls & guys that are tricked in thinking that aids/herpes/abortion are not just the only bad results from sin but divorce, cancer, physical abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, just keeps getting passed down and growing stronger causing more pain and damages......UNLESS YOU do something different. You do have a choice to live pure & God has the powers to help u....just got to pray to have the desire to serve the right master now.
God would never bless sin. I always had sex before marriage. it was the way i grew up. Sex was every where. Hollywood. Sex symbols. I just remember being so discussed when Brooke Sheilds Mom let her do that movie Pretty baby. I was young and a preteen, she was a yr or 2 older... it made me cry. It made me sick. It made me mad. Mad that Hollywood just uses women as sex symbols and then i just watched the next 20 yrs turn into plastic surgery. Girls actually cutting into their bodies...to look like Hollywood. Well Norma Jean did it way back in the 50's (was it ;) anyway... slice & dice I call it. My 2 sisters did it. I understood. Heck i was there with Cathy. She was young. I cried and prayed out to God why??????????? Why must there be so much sexual dysfunction!!!!1 So much rape, so much disregard for life.

Everyone hates themself. All I saw as a kid was smoking, drinking, lust (heck they cleaned up - or hide more (the cig. ads) but the glamorize booze. Coke was king (and I'm not talking about the soda mom) The men were breaking free of the 50's conservative and hippies from the 60's and 70's made woman's lib. and burn the bras, free love and Gay Pride. God was made fun of and "old fashion" Studio 55 was rage and self expression was exploding. I came of age in the Disco era. In LA. I was a working model/actress in Hollywood in the 70's...I was a kid & observed it all.

I loved it. I couldnt wait to grow up and been a teen so i could be glamorous and smoke Virgina Slims & drink Cocktails. I went to a lot. Saw a lot in movies. Movies were BIG back then. Starwars...DOLBY Sound came out and the surround sound theaters. The dome in LA & OC I loved but was a bit fearful of the magnitude that Hollywood was having/had.

Porn was everywhere & that was gross. Sex was free love...and then there was aids. I think Gen X just thought...kool, it will end my misery faster tan i thought...and what a way to go ;) Death from too much sex (u shouldnt be hav'n ;) hmmm... can y asee the rebel mass destruction that is gen x ?? ;)

YOU CAN TELL IF U R GEN X IF U WERE BROUGHT UP ON A Clock Work Orange. And ur Mom smashed the VHS Tape that u lent ur lil' sister to watch....dang Mom, that was a borrowed copy ;) Of course from some angry dude that I was a kin to ;) I always dated guys in my youth that were my best buddies. partners in crime. if u were a gay guy or a nice guy then iu were my bff ;) i never had too many girl friends ...til about age 26 or so

when i was younger than that....girls just pissed me off to much.

My bff from age 25 to now...she says i am like a dude. I think i have a real dude side for sure. Very hard core. And i challenge that to the sickest guys. But in the last 3 yrs... prayer answered. I became a mom and the last 13 yrs I have been praying and learning and wanting it more (ready i guess...slow learner - just really messed up as a kid so no trust at all ;) so i wanted to feel. to be softer. not to be so numb. so angry. so dark.

Now, I am more like my true self ;) like i was at oh say 8 ;) free to be u and me