So tired, ready to break - too much cleaning ;) but feels good to get it done - and hang out with my 3 girls. Don't get to see Amanda any more cept maybe 4 days a month ;( that sucks bad.
Well since I know no one reads this ha ha ha well, the guys I am speaking of wont...It is so funny to me to 'do my own thing' ;) feels good finally! u see i always let guys control my life. I am so independent but i pick scary guys that bully me into doing it all their way. so i am glad that God is teaching me to stay away from guys and focus on him. No boy friend no husband. just me y god ;) yes - yeah! I am free ;) for today - so i am learning to do the right thing. i never did. i always let god direct all areas of my life - except my love life - or loveless life i should say ;)
later that day....
I hate that I always put myself around mean guys - i guess they say you marry your dad (girls that is ;) and i did - twice ;) now i am so glad i am not dating anyone - i only pick mean guys ;(
But i am learning. my therapist said my picker is broken. well, she is a therapist - not "mine" - just saw her once at a church retreat ;) it was grand!
i like being alone but when my ex comes around - both of them - heck all of them ha ha ha - there goes my peaceful day. peaceful moment. what have you.
they are all so angry - ha ha kinda u attract what u are. see i have not been that angry in a while i want peace. every one says im so mellow, so chill, so patient. i am. i just react to men that are angry around me negative bitter critical 24/7 sorry no commas today.
no really - drama queens they r - 24/7 - need attention like my pops only know how to go about getting that in a neg. fashion - dad. and they are hurt and have been very wounded and very angry - for good reason. as i.
but sheeeze after 30 yrs of therapy ha ha i have worked hard 3 times a week for 10 yrs and 14 shrinks to get to the one i had that 10 yrs. that is determination. 14 not for me shrinks - some not for anyone! the sickest people go into medicine - DR's. nurses, therapists to hide. I have met many sick ones. i have read or heard on documentaries about very abusive dr's, nurses, dentists, and therapists. mostly i think therapist want to help they just dont know how. thats bc drs wrote the dsm and they are arrogant and did not want the ama involved in mental health - lame!!!!!!
ok tired, sore i wish i had money for a massage. i hurt :(
but stoked tomorrow is church in the am with my 3 girls!!! Making a cake for my son - his bday is Wed. I am going to bring him the cake when i drop off amanda tomorrow nite ;( i am so sad bc he says u dont even have a house big enough for us to come back :( but i remind him that when he was 5 amanda was 3 and we lived in a 1 bed room. it was the best time of my life ;) no mean, yelling, scary violent drunk bumming our trip ;) That we could all 5 be in a 2 bed room. Me and the girls in one room & he in his ;)
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I think it is good i can finally feel. the pain will go away i just get to feel compassion today
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