i ann good thanks ;) nny connputer is not though ha ha u can see I have no nn or 1 so I use the nn and 1 ha ha ha. But then I abreviate a1ot too (and I 1ike to do things different ;) so Good 1uck with reading nny cryptic writings ;) I a1so do not spe1 very we11 and with out spe11 check ha ha I ann at the nnercy of nny reader ;)

I hope a11 is we11 with u. That was very kind of u to say that ;) thank u, that nnakes nne fee1 good. I hear 1ots of negative responses a 1ot, a11 the X fronn peop1e ;( it is nice when I hear sonnething coo1 ;) I ta1k to a 1ot of peeps and nnost are in a 1ot of pain, so u know the saying...hurt peop1e hurt. So I have been 1earning (a11 nny 1ife ;) how not to take that persona11y, react, and rise above the evi1 that wants nne down at that 1eve1. So I now can have connpassion for the sick and hurt and pray for thenn and not nnake thenn hurt nnore. It is hunnan response to first hit back ;) BUt being s1ow and not reacting is new in the 1ast 10 years so I have had fun (ha ha so sick ;) training and practicing this with so nnany in nny 1ife. A11 fanniy, a11 friends ;) husbands, dates, and now in the 1ast 10-20 years as a 1iving ;) Teaching others and nnyse1f how to be kind and treat urse1f the way God wants u to treat urse1f ;) I was so nnad at nny parents for a11 their sickness (which I didnt b1anne thenn, I knew it was passed down and they were abused but sti11 nnad that they didnt get he1p) so I went over board on getting he1p (which at the X I cou1dnt get enough! ;) fronn 20-30 I rea11y was on the edge and treated nnyse1f according1y. I aso though was in hard core therapy 3 xs a week for 10 yrs and three visits to rehab to 1earn a better way. I wanted tons of kids but on1y if I cou1d. Not physica11y but in nny head u know ;) I needed to 1earn how to parent a better way but rea11y that was nne. Parent nne a better way. Start over fronn day one and take what I wanted and 1eave we11 change the rest. Iprove, upgrade, update ;) 1eve1 up as nny 15 yr o1d says ;) Ganner boy ;) Xbox junkie (he just 1ikes to ki11 in Ca11 of Duty ha ha his anger re1ease ;) So I hope that nny kids just nnake that even better cuz God knows with guys I have just in the 1ast 3 yrs 1earned, so nny kids have suffered a 1ot fronn the sickness passed down fronn generation to gen. (and shit bui1ds, on top of and 1ayers and hardens eeeeewwwie yuck what a nness!!! ;) yes, so getting to the rea1 person is we11 hard! Tough! Not for the week, but rea11y it is the God1ess kids that do not nnake it. If you cry out to God for he1p, but if u dont know God or better yet God has faied u and u dont want God. You are nnad at God God sucks :( then u are hope1ess. Satan knows how to get us. Our ego, our ennotions, our fee1ings (and 1ack of ~ that is just nunnb, hardened, turned off) we cant and dont trust God. But Satan just tricks us. This is a11 what I 1earned in Catho1ic Church ;) But as I actua11y 1ived fronn a snna11 chi1d to adu1t I saw, it was true. We a11 know it, just pissed off and stubborn and that is the 1ies again. We get confused ez and we are beaten down so we give up (and 1et Satan guide our ways) ;( ;( ;( that nnakes nne want to fight ;) For God and truth. So thank God I ann a fighter (and have been since I was a teen) Adu1ts are a11 so fu11 of shit. They have no idea. They are scared and have to give kids (or teens) a bad rap ;) so I work a 1ot with adu1ts to get thenn to re1earn and grow up a new way but it is a 1ife 1ong journey so dai1y we grow (if tended to ;) and that is the sad part too, if u dont tend to it dies ;( so that nnakes nne want to fight for nny 1ife ;) good thing huh cuz I was so fd up I just wanted to die!!!! Bad! Fronn age o 10-30 I fought it so bad. I was the nnost enraged person I knew (oh, except the guys I dated and nnarried, they a1ways were as sanne as nne but physica11y stronger and bigger so that one upped nne ) So I had to see why I picked these guys and now stop dating nnean guys ha ha but they were a11 addicts and I cant drink or snnoke (bc I ann an addict) and I think one addict in a re1ationship is enough ha ha. But I know that now I ann ready to do it Gods way and He wi11 honor that ;) So No hurting nny body any nnore in any way in excess or abuse (I wish I cou1d grow a11 nny own food ;) And I have to work hard to keep physica11y and nnenta11y fit ;) One 1 or two ha ha too azy to ook it up ;) Fear ho1ds everyone back fronn everything. So no fear and faith instead. Faith in what though u know u got to seek and find. so i hope u like this post ;)

i should proof but im on vacation ;) summer vaca yah!!! I am so happy that my son is home now and i have his laptop but just for a while i am sure til he kicks me off ;) he/they all crack me up ;)

love to write just not sure if i care too much if i proof and that angers readers ha ha too perfectionist ;) i know, i fight that, that is why i rebel :) ha ha ha

true though ;)


so i only know what it is like to feel the way every body else feels (but i guess has a hard time admitting (?) I think so).

cuz i have been there i have seen it i feel/felt it. I make others mad, i know.

The truth hurts sometimes but really the truth will set u free ;) Real freedom ;)

I hope that just one person gets something from anything i pass on ~ then that will be worth it ;) but I KNOW God is in charge and He shows me all the time people tell me things. I have had a privileged life. But not bc of being a model or a working actress ;) or bc we had money and more than some, or that people say u r pretty (which i see everything God made as pretty no matter what humans that is, some animals trip me out ha ha ha ;)

but bc i have gotten to see eyes change. And kids, teens, adults in very low places. Thinking back on that, makes me breathless. Makes me swallow hard. Better than lust. It's joy. Makes you choke up and feel joy.

That is something i didnt feel too much of in my life. I always loved big. Kids, animals, family, friends. But joy..that was scarce. I felt anger. I felt numb. I felt lost. I wanted to go home and just get the fuck out. Sorry i still sin. I just rebel again. Not in anger now in peace. In independence. I can say that word with out anger but as slang. To make my point. U, the reader knows that term, that language ;) It's just slang ;) But anger is another thing. If i cuss in anger, then it is not the cuss word i care about it is the anger. See satan is sneaky


expose

so learning about myself has always been a shared experience. So not caring about my words.. that is trusting in God (but sloth if done too much ;) balance ~~~~~


I think I will change or redcorate my blog again, see i do like change ;) i do get bored ez

i like change, remolding, it's science with a cap. s ;)

so, break it down analyze it and reprogram it, improve it ;) keep fit, the basics too ;) drink water not booze. Get off the cig's and processed foods. work out daily for an hour cadio and have strong muscles. I love yoga and tai chi to relax and meditate (being still listening to God or praying (talking to God ;)

I love to be by myself a lot. I like to listen to my music but uplifting now (I went thru my pain phase to learn to feel ;) I study and read the bible in classes or at home on my own with the Lord ;) I listen to Christian muzac so i can hear. I dont watch the news or read it or listen to it but i do read blogs i like and follow blurbs on Twitter of people i like (their views) i like to brain storm and collaborate and I know that is what God wants us to do (work together ;)

Happy i get to spend days with all 4 of my kids ;) i am happy that the kids get to be with their dad after 12 years but i miss them lots and they miss me and their pain pains me. But i know that god has a plan ;) i know that he is mighty and big and that he always takes the bad and turns it to good. I know that he only wants good for me/us. I know now how to please him and i want to i know now how to serve him really (by not being angry by not hurting myself by not allowing evil around me and my kids. but now they chose the evil they are around but it is a double edge sword as they say. u know they want to but dont. they want him and feel sorry for him and are determined to fix him. they have a hard task they took on but i help and we work together and they/we all learn.