i just want to vent
is that a good title?
i think so.
so i am in no mood to edit or care of how my spelling, grammar etc look - i just want to type. which sucks for me cuz i never learned. i type fast so this new keyboard is killing me. i am so use to no pressure and this is like having to slam old typewriter keys pre electric typewriters. i tend to do things my own way. i rather. it seems to screw with ppl and i think thats why i do it - i am just becoming aware of this now more fully ;)

I have tons of stuff i write and when i am older and grayer i will edit it and have fun but for now i just like to mess with ppl and my mind. really for me and the others discomfort is just a side bene  ;)

i just want to save the world from themselves and i cant but God can so i do it his way and serve him. i tend to get caught up though in being a bit mislead by tv mostly - media in general and i guess we call that society.

if tv says to do it i say u should do the direct polar op. of that but ppl are lost sheep following the wrong master and that breaks my heart

i like that mostly but sometimes i get fed up and anger sets in and i get dark and mean and evil. i rather not. staying sober really helps. i am no good when i drink. i get myself sick and i just learned that it is a sin so i am trying to one by one learn better ways for myself in all the areas where i am use to sinning and hurting myself. i dont know why ppl get so upset when i say things?  i say everything to myself ~  i just talk to myself a lot - and i dig that.

i mean u know that i am taking care of myself. that i speak to myself - it is called communication ;) and humans have no idea how to communicate. Mostly fear takes over and that is satan.

sad but true

so i am a big fan of communication and i love to talk to ppl about God  ;)  I get to a lot and that makes me happy. I think and know that God uses all bad for good and i love to talk to ppl about that ;) I am learning now how to really embrace the bad in rejoicing cuz God uses it and has a plan  ;) I just need to show up and do my part. So i choose God daily and i pray every second and when i cry out in my desperate sad angry loud fuck!!!! I know God says FUCK!!!!! and gets me. I know he understands. I know he is on my side. He is too big to be put off by my pain. He shows me just dont drink today and soon u will not curse. and i know that is true. i know bc i want it and i work for it that one day i wont need to cry out in pain and sadness and hurt and remorse and anger.

The min i say no one is here for me God! no one wants to be there for me. I need you for everything. and he provides what i need in unlikely places and it bothers me but that is just me changing and that requires growing pains i am ok with that although i rather not feel sick to my stomach all the time ;(  but i am getting there and learning and i know that i will so im ok

God has a sense of humor and knows how to get to me. I love how he meets all my needs, answers all my prayers and laughs with me and at me im sure ha ha ;) he is my best friend, my partner, my doctor, therapist, teacher, provider, father, husband and today my mom. to hold me and hug me and rock me like a baby. i am glad she did cuz in my mind i feel that love and comfort and as a mom of 4 i did that rocking singing and holding thing bc i wanted my kids to have all that they needed. I sang christmas songs, lots and lots of christmas songs - i wanted peace for us. i wanted them to know God. I wanted God to transfer all i knew and felt in my heart about Him to them and i had no idea so i prayed that prayer a lot. I wanted what i got and better for them as most parents. the ones that have no idea bc they did not have that is where my heart longs to teach, serve, and change. I break every time i think of 3000 kids a day get kidnapped in america a day ;(

That is a lot of child abuse. Torn from your mother. And a mother torn from her child. This country has been not dealing with mental abuse and physical abuse and sexual abuse since we came here over 200 years ago.

I think those poor boys who killed the parents are in jail for life and really it was self defense. You cant have a kid abused as a kid grow up to raise a kid and not abuse them. Trust me it takes years of highly focused and concentrated effort and God. I prayed not to have kids so not to mess them up. I prayed only if God you want me to please. I did 10 years of therapy 3 times a week without fail (i ditched once and went to vegas but how could i pass that up - it was a once in a lifetime  to spur of the moment just go no bags packed just drive. It wasnt as good as my therapist so i never missed again. I was grateful and she never charged me. 10 years i went but she was catholic and wanted to help me. I was given this by God. He gave me all the best of what i needed my whole life  ;) Sometimes I feel like an Angel more than a Human bc i can not relate. But that is probably bc I was raised with Hell's Angels around me so I have a great comparison.  I rather cling to God and try to be like Him and I do much better than when I say I am choosing Satan when I do evil (or sin). I say  God knows I cant get it all at once and i need to learn to be slower with ppl and myself. I need to accept God's perfect Timing and that what is happening is for a purpose a plan. Go with it dont fight it and be happy. i know that god is in charge in control i know he is ok with little g and is not afraid of satan. he made satan so how can he be  ;) and he is god the all mighty and all powerful and i have seen miracles. Only God can do miracles so I know that for sure.  have seen satan and i have seen God. God is The Holy Spirit and God works thru ppl and God shows himself. Satan too, shows himself and works thru ppl ;( but god turns the bad to glory and that thrills me! I just love how amazing and present God is how strong and mighty and being up against death and torture, pain and despair my whole life I love getting to see and know more about my maker every day  ;) that excites me. that is what saves me today from death. Not my kids, not my stuff, not my boyfriends or husbands but God. My relationship with my God. My relationship with myself. and then my relationship with others. My story is my story and who i am is for God. I have seen some crazy, crazy stuff good and bad and i get shivers when i think of the good ( God takes away the pain of the bad and i get to grieve and the pain turns to compassion ;)

That makes it all worth it. That is why I do what I do  ;)