ok, this keyboard sucks, i am in no mood to edit and i think that appearance is important so does that make me fucked? No i rejoice in my problems so it makes me slow and care more - which is what i prayed for ;) so not fucked.
I dont even know a 'clean' word to replace that with?? I am happy. and mad, sad but always joyous to be saved. grateful always at the same time i am feeling my emotions ;) being a previous numb person, i really appreciate that. Most dont. the cussing that is. or and the spelling, grammar, etc. But i think i do that intentionally. my bad - sorry, i learn that way ;) i hope others do too - i never want it to be about me. only for God so i am learning how not to let my emotions get the best of me but to feel them is a good thing. no rage any more it has been many years but not drinking helps that. drinking makes me edgy and crave more like an addict.
I can only sleep in this mold house if i knock myself out with sleeping pills and that aint no way to live.
I need to walk away from everything i own ;( that sucks bad. Really i dont care cept my cook books and bible. i only have 4-5 but they are each so special to me. i think i will keep my cook books and seal them in a plastic air tight container so my great grandkids can have them some day if i ever have any grand kids ;)
my bible no way will i part with that unless God takes it away for me. I cant let that go. that has been my bible since i became a xtian. 1982 i got married ten years later. Too bad i just kept picking guys who treated me like my dad treated my mom. Drunk and Angry. Bad combo for anyone. I never knew til just a year ago or so that it is a sin to get drunk. God says in the bible, do not get drunk. Thanks God ;) u always know how to take care of us ~ sad we only listen to the other side ;(
Satan preys on our emotions. Stalking our thoughts. Like that cartoon with the angel and devil on each shoulder. But being the father of lies and deception we fall prey a lot. Too much! I denied being 'like my dad' an alcoholic from a preteen knowing i drank bc i was mad at him. Fine, u wont quit, then i will start. I hate u and u seem to hate me so i guess i will hate myself. Hmmm that's deep.
Most cant be that hard core that raw. most have to run. in fear and denial. but hey, ive been there too
still am, all the time, dah, i am an idiot most days most hours. heck most min's. But God is not. and i am learning to rely on Him more. I prayed to learn how to master being slow, intent, going to God for every decision and God answers prayer when it is for the betterment of others. I know God wants me to learn better more and pass that on to my kids. hell, why did i have um if i cant upgrade the model ;) and my mom use to say that (not like my way but u know her way ;) she would say that is why i had you. WHY????? i would cry and she would say so u can make a difference in the world. so u can make the world better. wow, thanks mom ;) just got that ;) But i write for me and i see what i need to see what God needs me to see. I dont write or do anything cept for God. Not for anything, heck I didnt stop drinking even when i knew my kids could and almost did die while i was passed out then why would i care bout what others think of how odd i am or how odd my story is ;)
I just love to worship God so now i take my anger and i cry out like my life depends on it cuz it does.
I love hearing the bible put to song i love to dance to that and sing and pray. i just love being in a room with a bunch of believers worshiping it is my fav time of the week.
I only listen to xtian radio and i love my playlists with my worship tunes to my lord ;) i love to write i love to talk to others and i love to listen to people. I like to debate and i love to eat but sleep has been my fav thing in life ha ha but true. Next would be hot bath ;) Satan knows my weak spots and how to fuck with me sorry for the words that u may take offence to (i am not perfect but God is ;) I cant hide who i am i can try to change and waiting, praying and seeing how God uses it all good and bad and how i relate to some and others i despise and others relate to me and i make others run. It is all good to me. I dont see a problem with that until someone starts to be ugly and evil and mean ;( sad to me i grew up being different. I was the one person at my school that worked for a living. It wasnt fun it wasnt cool it sucked. It sucked bad that people were mean to me because of it. Horrible really. I was shy and quiet and hated being in the spot light as u say. I hated humans. I thought at a very young age these ppl suck. I grew up around Hell's Angels in the 70's and it wasnt pretty. My dad was a drunk and mean and his dad was worse. I knew my dad didnt want to be an ass hole i just thought he was one for not doing anything about it.
So I married someone just like him (and after 13 years he is still causing me horrible pain ~ and his kids too, but he is really good at that, years of practice). Generational Sin.
Fuck that. That is all i have to say to that. Fuck evil. I know i have to say fuck and be mad like evil to say no thank u FO to jump to God's side. The light, the pure the good and Holy Spirit ;)
The firs time i heard the words 'born again' i was young, 12 maybe 10. My neighbor went to MCA and i called them hippies, flower child baked their own bread and were all natural and loving and kind i thought they were on LSD
I was kinda mad that all those long borring hours in mass i sat still and listened or my dad would kill me but i drifted. mostly i liked it in latin bc in english i still had no idea. I liked the veils and the old ladies were an inspiration, so old and hardly moving yet they came every week. Dang they knelt up and down it would freak me out! like in their 80's!! and probably older. I thought it was cool that both my parents were into their faith and religion. After my dad got sober in the 90's he started to go back to church which me and my sister Jill think is really cool. My dad goes to The Mission San Juan to attend mass every sunday ;) That's my dad ;) How cool is that! I love that place! It is so beautiful and so filled with heart and soul and the spirit of God ;) I loved homeschooling and going on a few field trips there. My dad lives in HB but he makes the drive every week ;) I am so happy for him. That is how i know there is a God. My parents and their parents and their parents parents taught me. I was glad my dad was into classical music and opera. My mom loved musicals and they both adored music all types of music. I grew up with a love and appreciation for tunes and i loved that. Muisc made my dad feel sad and think and talk to God. Same with my mom. Muisc made them happy too ;) I see that in myself over the last 20-30 years.
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